Practically nobody is gonna get the humor in this post. Not only do many Orthodox Jews not know anything about cyclocross, but neither do most non-Jewish cyclists in general. And add to that the fact that many of the elements in this list pertain to the practices of an Orthodox Jew, it makes it all the more funny to me, yet confusing to practically everybody else.
Orthodox Judaism. Cyclocross. One plus one equals three.
Yet, I've had this list playing around in my head for some time, growing occasionally, and clawing at the inside of my skull just trying to get out. So as quite possibly the world's only Orthodox Jewish cyclocrosser, here is a list of the telltale signs of an Orthodox Jewish cyclocrosser (yes, that strange sound is me giggling to myself, alone...), so here goes...
SIGNS YOU ARE AN ORTHODOX JEWISH CYCLOCROSSER:
- When called up to do Hagba, you shoulder the sefer Torah and start running and jumping over things.
- Your tallit bag is the bright yellow Louis Garneau mussette bag handed out as Swag at the 'cross races.
- Pigs are bad because they wallow in the mud, but mud itself is very good.
- "Gin and Trombones"? Feh, give me Schnapps and Accordians.
- Your fans are waving Purim Groggers instead of cowbells.
- You ask your Rabbi if it is permissible for a Jew to race "cross".
- You follow teams like Fidea, Lambouwkrediet, and Rabobank instead of the Yankees or the Mets.
- Your convinced you can hammer for 40 to 60 minutes without eating or drinking because you just did 25 hours of fasting for Yom Kippur.
- At your wedding, as your bride is doing the traditional seven laps around the groom, you put out lap cards after the third lap and ring a bell at the end of the sixth lap.
- You always add "plus one lap" to the Hakafoth, the circular procession of the sefrei Torah around the synagogue on Simchat Torah.
- Your secretly wonder if Sven Nys' real name is Shmuely Nystein.
Ha Ha funny. I'm gonna go drink a Belgian beer by myself now.